It’s old home week at the Food & Wine Classic in Aspen. Tons of locals–from the Russian River Wine folks, to Josh Silvers of Syrah, cheese magnate Laura Werlin, wine writer Linda Murphy, the French Laundry’s Thomas Keller and gazillions of wine purveyors from throughout the Sonoma & Napa.

Think of it as the Golden Globes of food and wine. Lots of stars, lots of schmoozing, lots to eat and drink. Last night’s pre-event, uh event had me glad-handing everyone from Mario Batali (who complimented me on my orange purse, which matched perfectly his orange Crocs) to Giada De Laurenttis, and Spanish chef Jose Andres. Wow.

This morning, BiteClub snuck into one of the most exclusive events of the gala–a reserve tasting of seven vintages of Screaming Eagle (the wine that infamously sold for a half-million at auction, and continues to command some of the highest prices for Napa cult wine in the history of cult wines.) No, I didn’t get a sip. Security was tighter than, uh, my waistband after last night’s dinner. But hey, I also didn’t have $750 to spend (which, if you do the math, comes to something over $107 a sip. Nice.

Stay tuned for some juicy gossip about a local restaurant overheard this morning. More to come…

Check out the photos!

Mad Maria’s waiting for you, matey. And she’s ready to get her shanty on.

Hoist that mainsail and strap on your patch, this weekend marks the launch of Northern California’s first Pirate Festival in Vallejo. Avast! There’s more than just plundering booty to be done here–like sassy singing wenches and barnacled blokes entertaining in full pirate regalia; fresh seafood and meat pies (and uh, hot dogs for your little buccaneers); games and nautical music; a pirate-girl pin-up contest, grog shop and, well, lots of other stuff to bring out your inner Jack Sparrow.

The event is family friendly, with activities for both kids and adults. Click here for more details about the event.

So, who’d be crazy enough to come up with a whole weekend devoted to pirate escapades? Mad Maria’s who, AKA Anna Benincasa of Petaluma and her partner Steve Morales. After discovering a shared passion for nautical music (hey, there’s someone out there for everyone, right?) the two got involved with the Seadogs, a sort of roving music and theatrical troupe with a maritime bent.

From there, they launched a t-shirt and clothing company called piratemod.com “because pirates need to look their best, too. Once Hollywood got into the game with the release of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Anna says their pirate-passion became something of an all-consuming lifestyle.

No. They don’t walk around in pirate clothes all day or talk like Black Beard, but the couple are so passionate about the history and romantic ideals of pirates that they agreed to create NorCal’s very first Pirate Festival (there are actually many other pirate festivals around the country. Really.) Think Renaissance festival with eye-patches and lots of Arrggghs.

Will the idea sail, or run aground? “Piracy just gives you that feeling that you can have your own rules and your own code,” Anna says. “It’s that bad boy thing. And there will always be an audience for that.” This is a building year for the festival, and in future years Anna says she hopes to build on the nautical theme, incorporating large ships and even more maritime fun. As for this year, ahoy!, admission is free. What more could a pirate ask for?

Northern California Pirate Festival: Vallejo Waterfront, California
Saturday: 10am til Dusk, Father’s Day Sunday: 10am – 6pm

Poor dad. You’ve given him 400 ugly ties, 10 humorous golfing calendars
(despite the fact that he doesn’t play), gallons of outrageously stinky cologne
and had to Fedex ‘Happy Father’s Day’ cards (late) more times than you can
remember. And yet, he still wires you money in Cancun,
fixes your car and tries to be consoling when you break-up with your boyfriend
for the twelfth time.

You owe him. Big. Redeem yourself this weekend.

Best bets:
– Free Beer w/Rubdown: Dad may be a little queasy about getting a facial,
massage and foot ‘ritual’, but when it comes with beer and pretzels, well,
there’s no shame in a little self-gratification. On Father’s Day, the Montecito
Health Club & Resort (at the Flamingo Hotel in Santa Rosa) offers spa services with dad’s
favorite beverage.

– King of the Castle at Ledson: Wine, BBQ, classic cars and live music. What
more could dad ask for. Ledson Vineyards, 7335 Sonoma Hwy (Hwy 12), Kenwood, 11am to 4pm, June 17, $25.

– Paella Party on the River: Paella Prince Gerard Nebesky throws one of his
outrageously fun outdoor culinary feasts on the Monte Rio Beach, $85. Call Relish
Culinary School
for details and availability. 877.759.1004

– Food & Wine Pairing Class: My dad has become a monster, throwing around terms like ‘long finish’ and ‘smokey with a hint of pepper’ with absolute abandon after taking a wine class. Give your papa the gift of at least appearing to know what’s swirling around in his glass. SRJC offers several courses, including a food & wine pairing.

Passion for Purple
And hey, if dad’s big on flowers, take him to the various lavender events
’round town this week. Or, uh, just get mom out of his hair for a while.

– Sonoma Lavender Festival: Indulge your senses a fragrantly festive
celebration of the purple plant with cooking demonstrations, farm tours and
lunch in the lavender field of Chateau St. Jean on June 16.

– Lavender Bee Farm in Petaluma offers guided tours of their farm and 5,000
lavender plants Saturdays and Sundays at 9 AM and closes at 1 PM. Click here
for details

– Annual Days of Wine & Lavender: Though the June 23 event at Matanzas Creek
Winery it’s sold out, you can get a sneak preview and sniff a whiff of the
hundreds of lavender plants blowing in the breeze.

“Citing safety and health concerns, along with cries of “unfair competition” from brick and mortar restaurants in the area, the City of Salinas is considering an outright ban on “mobile vendors” or a severe restriction on their business. In January, the city set a cap on the vendor permits at the current count of 31 and no new permits will be issued causing a gradual fade-out of taco trucks in Salinas. Next week, an as-of-yet unpublicized proposal is scheduled to go before the city council that will further restrict the taco trucks. The proposal could include possible time restrictions instructing taco trucks to only operate between 6 pm and 6 am, could require that the vendors move their trucks every 15 minutes to one hour, or could cause taco trucks to have to move off of public streets and on to private property zoned for the business.” – Jennifer Maiser, Bay Area Bites

Like Santa Rosa, the city of Salinas is at a crossroads when it comes to taco trucks. Citing health and traffic concerns along with competition with brick-and-mortar shops, Salinas is quietly putting the brakes on taco trucks. Santa Rosa has continued to allow taco trucks along Sebastopol Ave., but recently denied a permit for long-time truck operators La Texanita (see a review of their current restaurant).

With so many fans–from nearby families and workers looking for a quick bite to late-night revelers eager for a bite to soak up all that-uh, revelry–taco trucks have become a favorite fixture for eager eaters.

Are you worried about losing your favorite munchie mobile?

Pssssst. Wanna know a secret?

The Ghetto Gourmet crew are coming to Wine Country next week to host a top-secret, invite-only dinner in Healdsburg. We can’t tell you where (because BiteClub honestly doesn’t know anything more than it’s a former slaughterhouse turned exclusive private winery). We can’t tell you what’s for dinner (other than the fact that recurring Ghet chef Cynthia Washburn is cooking). And we definitely can’t tell you who’ll be there (though ‘hot performances’ are promised).

That’s the fun of it all. Just showing up with your own seating cushion and big expectations. Take a risk, blow $100 and get a ticket. We dare you.

If you go: Want to know more about the GG crew? This highly secretive group began in Oakland, hosting weekly dinners in their home and in other surprise spots on the sly (ostensibly to avoid the Health Department, who frowns upon hosting public dinners in non-commercial kitchens-kill-joys). The whole thing got to be so much fun that they’ve expanded to Wine Country and beyond. Get on their list, and you’ll get first dibs on future dinners and mayhem.

PS. BiteClub would soooo be at the GG event, but alas, will be hobnobbing/chef-stalking in Aspen this week at the Food & Wine Classic with Chef-lebrities Thomas Keller (who hopefully won’t recognize me from the Tomato Snow Cone incident) , pretty much the entire Food Network cast (Mario Batali, Giada De Laurentiis, Emeril & so on) and NoCal locals like Laura Werlin, Andrea Immer Robinson and Linda Murphy. Anyone you want me to tackle? Let me know: biteclub@pressdemo.com.

Imagine the great and powerful Thomas Keller (of French Laundry, Per Se and Bouchon fame) handing out snow cones. Literally standing in a throng of people with ball-park vendor’s box strapped around his neck–and here’s where it gets really weird–hawking tomato flavored snow cones topped with a shrimp.

Why not. I’ll bite.

Cool. Tomato-ey. Ew, wait. Cold tomato sauce with limp shrimp. Bad plan. Abort. Abort.

Before I could the taste out of my mouth and my camera out of my bag, Keller had high-tailed it to the back of the tent and waved off my attempts to take a picture. Sigh.

Don’t worry, Thomas, I still love you despite your gazpacho-inspired mishap and camera fickleness.

Moving on, I’m ready to pounce on dozens of other chefs sweltering it out inside the tents of Taste Napa Valley, a pre-auction gathering for Auction Napa Valley where locals and high-rolling bidders elbow it out at the all-you-can-eat nibblefest featuring some of the best food in Wine Country (snow cones aside). Like having sushi-master Ken Tominaga make you a salmon hand roll. Grabbing a plate of baby carrots, fresh peas and pork from FARM restaurant or a white cheesecake bon bon on a stick from Sweetie Pies. Yeah. And the food just goes on and on and on.

But before I start daydreaming of pulled pork sandwiches from Cindy’s Backstreet Kitchen again, I should probably mention that something like 100 wineries stand around filling your wine glass as you walk around stuffing your face. I just didn’t want your head to explode.

So what’s all the fuss? Taste Napa Valley is just the warm up to Auction Napa Valley– quite possibly the most lavish wine auction ever conceived, with wine lots that have sold for upwards of-let’s just say, the down payment on your house. Or, uh, your house itself.

Throughout the weekend, wine enthusiasts from around the world converge on Napa to get a gander at what’s on the block, hob-nob, eat, drink and generally look fabulous (see the slideshow). When it’s all over, everyone goes home a stuffed, hung-over and, if they’re lucky, with some serious wine for their collections. More importantly, local charities get the lion’s share of the take. Hey, it’s a win-win.

Check out what’s up for bid at http://www.napavintners.com/anv.

Check out my photo gallery of Taste Napa Valley (with a covert shot of Keller, to boot!) here.

Krispy Kreme never had a chance.

Blame it on the low-carb kill-joys and the saturated fat police. Or maybe it was all those refined sugar alarmists with their talk of tooth decay and hyperactivity. Who knows, maybe it was the whole ‘donut’ vs. ‘doughnut’ debate. In any case, aside from a few assorted gas station hold-outs, my beloved KK is gone.

So, okay, you win. Go back to your soy yogurt and five-grain.

But hear me out. Donuts are about the only thing that will predictably get me out of bed on a Monday morning. Raspberry jelly with a crackled glaze, please. They’re a weekend tradition, the kids and I licking our gooey-sugary fingers around the table while watching cartoons. They’re a warm and satisfying reward after a long week of calorie counting and restrictions. (And, admittedly, the sugar jolt is a nice side effect.)

Ultimately, however, a donut is just a donut–fried dough. Nothin’ too fancy. And what sets them apart is the fluffiness and freshness. After the demise of KK, could anything stand up to my expectations?

Yes and yes. After an exhaustive taste test (really, someone had to do it), Tan’s Donuts has stolen my batter-dipped heart. Light, fluffy and fresh with a hint of cinnamon, they’re among the best bets for donuts outside of Portland’s Voodoo Donuts (I would sell my soul to have just one Bacon Maple donut at midnight!). And at $5.75 for a dozen, a good value as well. Donut Hut is a close second, especially since they stuff their jelly donuts nice and full and are consistently fresh.

So put down your carob-muffins, and for goodness sake, toss that McMuffin. You deserve a warm donut. Think of it as a little hug with a hole.

Tan’s Donuts, 1074 Fourth St., Santa Rosa, 707.568.3988
Donut Hut, 555 Healdsburg Ave, Santa Rosa, 707.544.2085

What’s your favorite donut spot? Email me

First the bad news: You probably have no idea what kind of horrifyingly awful stuff you’re putting into your grocery cart. In fact, you probably think most of it’s pretty darned healthy. That’s where you’d be wrong.

We’re not talking a diet of Cheetos and Twinkies here, but ostensibly good-for-you-foods sold in the most expensive of markets–things like sugar-shocked yogurt; Franken-fruits pumped with pesticides, hormone-laden milk and fish raised in toxic ponds. Oh, what’s a shopper to do?

Now, before you go off screaming in panic, there’s an answer. Food Salvationist Marion Nestle has broken down the myths, confusion and down-and-out lies about what we’re eating in What to Eat. From vitamin supplements to grass-fed beef, organics vs. conventional fruits and veggies, pesticides, bottled water and why milk is always at the very back of the store (to get you to buy more impulse items), Nestle is one of the nation’s leading nutritionists and food scientists. But mostly she’s a consumer advocate who knows how to break down food labels, government studies, and industry-backed health claims into the truth about what we’re really eating.

So before you stick that irradiated apple in your mouth, do yourself a favor and see if it’s actually as healthy as you think. You just might be surprised. And horrified.

What to Eat by Marion Nestle, North Point Press, $16.

My lunch is on fire. Yay!

In fact, it’s become a steaming volcano of hot oil and my eyebrows are feeling perilously close to being singed. No worries, my buddy Sulfan the Spatula Master has it under control. “Japanese fireman!” he says, shooting a stream of water from a toy that tinkles. Somehow it’s adorable rather than horrifying.

My lunch is still on fire, however. Or at least steaming and hissing threateningly just inches from my plate–which, of course, is the whole point of Japanese hibachi. Part comedy routine, part spatula acrobatics and all entertainment, the idea is to sit around a sizzling grill while the chef plays with your food. Just watch your eyebrows.

With the paint barely dry, and the entire staff eagerly gathered around the door, BiteClub was honored to be the second customer (quite by accident, or uh, maybe because I’ve been circling the place for weeks) at Hikuni Japanese Seafood & Steakhouse in Santa Rosa this afternoon. Open just hours, it was understandable that the entire staff pretty much watched my every bite. It wasn’t surprising that no one had quite figured out yet that forks might be a necessity for chopstick-clumsy folks like me (the situation was immediately corrected). And even Sulfan, my personal hibachi chef, had a few opening-day jitters.

It couldn’t have bothered me less. The effect was utterly charming. Ridiculously fun. And very much on fire. Just the way lunch should be.

If you go: Don’t make my initial mistake of avoiding the hibachi table. Even if you’re alone, the chefs will give you a terrific show and make you feel right at home. Lunchtime hibachi specials are entirely reasonable, just over $10 for a huge portion of steak. Hikuni also offers a full sushi bar and a huge variety of entrée choices. You won’t go away hungry. Or bored.

Also, don’t miss the giant fish tank over the sushi bar. It’s a perfect way to relax. Er, unless you’re a fish.

Hikuni Japanese Seafood & Steakhouse, 4100 Montgomery Drive #C, Santa Rosa. Open daily for lunch and dinner.

It takes a special kind of person to stand in the middle of morning rush hour traffic and break it down old school style. Wearing a donkey costume. In the rain.

It takes an ass. A Bad Ass, it turns out.

Amidst catcalls, dogs lunging out of car windows, honks of support and, well, just plain amusement, a lone dancing donkey keeps the faith on selected mornings at the corner of Old Redwood Highway and Mark West Springs Road. His sole purpose is to direct attention toward the recently opened coffeehouse franchise, Bad Ass Coffee Co.

Think dancing arrow with fur.

The Hawaiian-inspired coffee spot recently opened in the convenience wasteland around the Wells Fargo Center (because, really, where’s a mochachino when you need one?). The Santa Rosa location is the first N. Bay outpost for this international beverage franchise that’s found success as much from its cheeky name as from its Kona coffee.

So what’s with the dancing donkey? The Bad Ass Coffee Co. is named for the hard-working pack animals that once helped haul coffee through the mountains of Hawaiian coffee plantations. Well, that and its just plain funny. (Though some PD readers apparently don’t think so.)

And whether you like him or not, donkey’s staying, uh-assiduous in his work. Aside from a hearty “Aloha” and a kiss of my hand, my furry dancing friend remains mum on the subject of how he comes up with the inspiration for his footwork. And, who exactly the guy inside the suit really is.

“I’m a donkey!” he says, waving at a carload of people pointing and laughing at/with him.

Sometimes it really does take an ass to make your day.

Bad Ass Coffee Co., 90 Mark West Springs Rd.,Santa Rosa, 526.3434