First the bad news: You probably have no idea what kind of horrifyingly awful stuff you’re putting into your grocery cart. In fact, you probably think most of it’s pretty darned healthy. That’s where you’d be wrong.

We’re not talking a diet of Cheetos and Twinkies here, but ostensibly good-for-you-foods sold in the most expensive of markets–things like sugar-shocked yogurt; Franken-fruits pumped with pesticides, hormone-laden milk and fish raised in toxic ponds. Oh, what’s a shopper to do?

Now, before you go off screaming in panic, there’s an answer. Food Salvationist Marion Nestle has broken down the myths, confusion and down-and-out lies about what we’re eating in What to Eat. From vitamin supplements to grass-fed beef, organics vs. conventional fruits and veggies, pesticides, bottled water and why milk is always at the very back of the store (to get you to buy more impulse items), Nestle is one of the nation’s leading nutritionists and food scientists. But mostly she’s a consumer advocate who knows how to break down food labels, government studies, and industry-backed health claims into the truth about what we’re really eating.

So before you stick that irradiated apple in your mouth, do yourself a favor and see if it’s actually as healthy as you think. You just might be surprised. And horrified.

What to Eat by Marion Nestle, North Point Press, $16.

My lunch is on fire. Yay!

In fact, it’s become a steaming volcano of hot oil and my eyebrows are feeling perilously close to being singed. No worries, my buddy Sulfan the Spatula Master has it under control. “Japanese fireman!” he says, shooting a stream of water from a toy that tinkles. Somehow it’s adorable rather than horrifying.

My lunch is still on fire, however. Or at least steaming and hissing threateningly just inches from my plate–which, of course, is the whole point of Japanese hibachi. Part comedy routine, part spatula acrobatics and all entertainment, the idea is to sit around a sizzling grill while the chef plays with your food. Just watch your eyebrows.

With the paint barely dry, and the entire staff eagerly gathered around the door, BiteClub was honored to be the second customer (quite by accident, or uh, maybe because I’ve been circling the place for weeks) at Hikuni Japanese Seafood & Steakhouse in Santa Rosa this afternoon. Open just hours, it was understandable that the entire staff pretty much watched my every bite. It wasn’t surprising that no one had quite figured out yet that forks might be a necessity for chopstick-clumsy folks like me (the situation was immediately corrected). And even Sulfan, my personal hibachi chef, had a few opening-day jitters.

It couldn’t have bothered me less. The effect was utterly charming. Ridiculously fun. And very much on fire. Just the way lunch should be.

If you go: Don’t make my initial mistake of avoiding the hibachi table. Even if you’re alone, the chefs will give you a terrific show and make you feel right at home. Lunchtime hibachi specials are entirely reasonable, just over $10 for a huge portion of steak. Hikuni also offers a full sushi bar and a huge variety of entrée choices. You won’t go away hungry. Or bored.

Also, don’t miss the giant fish tank over the sushi bar. It’s a perfect way to relax. Er, unless you’re a fish.

Hikuni Japanese Seafood & Steakhouse, 4100 Montgomery Drive #C, Santa Rosa. Open daily for lunch and dinner.

It takes a special kind of person to stand in the middle of morning rush hour traffic and break it down old school style. Wearing a donkey costume. In the rain.

It takes an ass. A Bad Ass, it turns out.

Amidst catcalls, dogs lunging out of car windows, honks of support and, well, just plain amusement, a lone dancing donkey keeps the faith on selected mornings at the corner of Old Redwood Highway and Mark West Springs Road. His sole purpose is to direct attention toward the recently opened coffeehouse franchise, Bad Ass Coffee Co.

Think dancing arrow with fur.

The Hawaiian-inspired coffee spot recently opened in the convenience wasteland around the Wells Fargo Center (because, really, where’s a mochachino when you need one?). The Santa Rosa location is the first N. Bay outpost for this international beverage franchise that’s found success as much from its cheeky name as from its Kona coffee.

So what’s with the dancing donkey? The Bad Ass Coffee Co. is named for the hard-working pack animals that once helped haul coffee through the mountains of Hawaiian coffee plantations. Well, that and its just plain funny. (Though some PD readers apparently don’t think so.)

And whether you like him or not, donkey’s staying, uh-assiduous in his work. Aside from a hearty “Aloha” and a kiss of my hand, my furry dancing friend remains mum on the subject of how he comes up with the inspiration for his footwork. And, who exactly the guy inside the suit really is.

“I’m a donkey!” he says, waving at a carload of people pointing and laughing at/with him.

Sometimes it really does take an ass to make your day.

Bad Ass Coffee Co., 90 Mark West Springs Rd.,Santa Rosa, 526.3434

Bruno’s on Fourth: The cozy space formerly known as Rubix (formerly known as Café de Croissants) has been transformed into a breakfast and lunch spot featuring American comfort foods with an Italian twist. Currently they’re open Tuesday through Sunday and will be starting dinner service in June. 1226 Fourth St., Santa Rosa. 707.569.8222.

SEA Thai: Interior work continues as Petaluma’s favorite Thai spot comes to the former East West Café spot in Montgomery Village. BiteClub has circled the parking lot several times (along with curious others) waiting for some news on the opening date. 2323 Sonoma Ave., Santa Rosa, 546.6142

Japanese Steak House: Apparently the Wonderful Buffet off Summerfield Road wasn’t. The space is in the midst of becoming a brand-spanking new Japanese restaurant with a focus on steak. No word on opening, but stay tuned for details. If you go, head out on a Friday when next door neighbor, Asia Gourmet Market (also at 4100 Montgomery Drive, Santa Rosa, 537.6888) serves up fresh BBQ pork buns.

Opening near you? Restaurant you want BiteClub to write about? Email me!

Grab your darkest movie-star shades, your wide-brimmed hat and your SPF30, it’s time to dine al fresco in Wine Country. Whether you’re out for a little lunchtime sun, a poolside happy hour or an evening under the stars, BiteClub has some of Wine Country’s top picks for dining out.

Best spot to see and be seen: Flavor Bistro
Whether it’s Wednesday night market or Saturday supper, Flavor’s prime spot on the square makes for some prime people watching day and night. The Santa Rosa bistro’s spinach salad and extensive by-the-glass wine list makes for a light, refreshing dine. Flavor Bistro, 96 Old Courthouse Square. Santa Rosa, 573.9600.

Secret Garden
Sneak away for a lunchtime rendezvous at the girl and the fig’s cozy enclosed patio. Intimate, relaxing and charmingly decorated, it’s a romantic favorite. Don’t miss the cheese bar, where owner Sondra Bernstein has stocked a mind-boggling collection of artisinal cheeses. 110 West Spain Street, Sonoma, 707.938.3634

Ladie’s Luncheon
A tuna-egg-mayo foccaccia sandwich and iced tea on the patio of Café Citti is something of a lunchtime tradition for gal pals in Wine Country. Casual dining, a relaxed atmosphere (that’s kid-friendly without being a free-for-all) and some of the best-looking waiters in Wine Country. No wonder the ladies love it here. 9049 Sonoma Highway, Kenwood
707.833.2690.

Cozy getaway
You don’t have to be a guest to eat at the Glen Ellen Inn. This little jewel box of a hide-away has a bubbling fountain and plenty of spots for gazing longingly into your sweetie’s eyes. Before diving into a few oysters. Don’t miss the Dirty Dozen–12 raw oysters with a Bloody Mary mignonette–by candlelight. 13670 Arnold Drive, Glen Ellen, 707.996.6409

Small plates under the sun
At Willi’s Wine Bar, you never know might be sharing a small plate next to you–a local winemaker, a touring author, a local luminary, or perhaps your neighbor. Willi’s patio is a favorite gathering spot for power-lunchers, tourists and everyday diners looking for a little dining inspiration. 4404 Old Redwood Hwy., Santa Rosa, 707.526.3096

Dining under the stars
El Dorado Kitchen is BiteClub’s absolute favorite spot for dining under the stars. Grab a quiet table by the pool, order up some of EDK’s killer cocktails and wait for the sky show. 405 First St. West Sonoma

Riverside dining
Casual French fair is the plat du jour at Petaluma’s Water Street Bistro, where outdoor diners have a view of the nearby Petaluma River and pedestrian bridge. 100 Petaluma Blvd N Ste 106, Petaluma,707.763.9563

What’s your favorite spot for outdoor dining?

You know things are bad when the sound of your own wheezing and sneezing wakes you from a NyQuil-induced blackout. Trouble looms when Jell-O and applesauce sounds reeeeally good and a Kleenex box becomes your sleeping partner.

Yep, I’m wading through an eater’s worst nightmare: The dreaded head cold. Because it’s not just the aches and pains, the stuffed up head or the red eyes that are so bad. It’s the fact that you can’t taste anything. Which kind of makes eating a moot point in my book. And without some serious daily grubbing-well, I shudder to think about it.

Hankies in hand, pajamas tucked under my jeans, Panang curry seems the only solution. The hotter the better. And don’t spare the coconut milk.

Jhanthong Banbua, the long-time Santa Rosa Thai fave that fronts the seedy Gold Coin hotel on Mendocino Ave., is the closest bet. And, despite a couple of ho-hum take-out experiences there recently, the combination of elegant presentation and skillful combinations of lemon grass, fish sauce, lime and coconut milk makes this a favorite feast of the senses. Even if a few of mine are still home in bed watching Ellen.

Sniffling through lunch, my sick-day lineup goes like this:
– Salad rolls: Wrapped in a spongy, crepe-like casing rather than rice paper, salad rolls are layered with crisp, cool, veggies like cucumber and lettuce.
– Spicy green papaya salad: A sensory overload with pungent fish sauce and tangy lime juice–an air horn to sleeping senses
– Gang Panang (which, honestly, is just fun to say): This creamy, hot, sour mixture of lime leaves, sweet basil, red curry paste and sneaky little green chilies is both soothing and invigorating. (Take extra Kleenex, you’ll need it when your sinuses drain).

Five tissues later, my lips are prickling with heat, my nose clearer and my belly full. So it ain’t Jell-O. Call it comfort food that refuses to be comfortable. Call it just what the doctor ordered.

Jhanthong Banbua, 2400 Mendocino Ave., Santa Rosa, 707.528.8048

I am ashamed–very ashamed–to admit that after living in Sonoma County for more than three years, I have never been to Hank’s Creekside. Call me a brunch snob. I simply refuse to stand in an hour-long line for pancakes*. No matter how many Food Network stars rave about them**.

I stand corrected.

Well, sort of. Because I still have no idea if their pancakes are worth the wait. I can’t tell you with any assuredness that their biscuits and gravy will make your knees buckle. But I can tell you that their burgers are damn fine. Damn fine. And if that’s any indication about the rest of the menu, I may be standing along the banks of the Santa Rosa Creek with the rest of you sleepy-eyed brunchers sometime very soon.

Let me break it down-
– Medium rare means just that: I’ll worry about food-borne illness. Here at Hank’s if you want your burger a little on the pink side, it comes that way. Not charcoal grey through and through. That means they’re confident about the meat. And it shows.
– Skip the foie-gras: I’m all for culinary imagination, but sometimes it’s nice just to taste the hamburger. A little onion. Maybe some avocado if I’m feeling adventurous. Hank’s gets it.
– Toasted bun: Not too bready, and nicely crisped. No onions or sesame seeds or other goo-gaws to get stuck in your teeth afterwards.
– Enough is always enough: Sometimes you want a burger as big as your head. Usually, however, you don’t. Hank’s Creekside serves up burgers that are thick enough to satisfy. ‘Nuff said.
– Sides matter: Crispy fries are a burger’s best friend. Again, dead-on.
– Burger with a view: If you’re lucky, you’ll get a prime spot by the windows, overlooking the jungle of vines climing the banks and the creek below. What could be better?

So, after careful consideration, I’m elevating Hank’s to my new favorite burger joint (see past winners here). Giving all you burger fans yet another reason to throng to Hank’s. Just save me a place in line, will you?

Hank’s Creekside, 2800 Fourth St., Santa Rosa, 707.575.8839

* Since pretty much everyone in Sonoma County has been to Hank’s at least once in their life, I’ll forgo a lengthy explanation. But for those of you (like me) who are Hank’s Virgins, imaging a place where the smell of bacon and eggs permeates everything, ‘How Ya Doin’ staff, ketchup bottles on the table, kids everywhere and just about everyone talking to their neighbors (because they’re probably actual neighbors).

**Rachel Ray has recommended Hank’s in her Tasty Travels show and Guy Fieri was recently at the restaurant filming for his forthcoming show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

Is Santa Rosa becoming Sonoma County’s gastropub capital? We realize beer and brew spots are the hottest new trend in restaurants, but two new pubs are set to open downtown this summer. Get ready to grab a pint at Toad in the Hole (which has been taunting passersby in its Railroad Square location for months) and now, Stout Brothers (an Irish-themed pub and restaurant) which will take over the Anatolia space on Fourth St.

In other news, SEA Thai restaurant will soon be moving into the space formerly occupied by East West Café in Montgomery Village. We’re hoping this is an outpost of the amazing SEA Thai in Petaluma. BiteClub called Petaluma early this morning for confirmation and is eagerly awaiting word.

Finally, BiteClub hit the Downtown Market (check out the photos here) and was pleasantly surprised by the wealth of foodie newcomers to the space.
Worth the trip:
– Check out the portable wood-fired pizza oven of Pizza Politana. They’ll whip you up a fresh, crispy pizza in just two minutes. Tell Naomi BiteClub sent you.
– Killer Brownies are just that. Full of gooey chocolate and other tidbits, they’re a steal at $2.50. Check out the brownie biscotti, dipped in white chocolate, as well.
– Say a hearty bonjour to the Gallic gastronomes making savory buckwheat crepes filled with brie, salmon and crème fraiche or sweet crepes with caramel apples.

In celebration of the opening day of Santa Rosa’s Evening Market-
Top 10 reasons to hit the farm market

10. Fava beans. With Chianti or without.
9. Zucchini blossoms. Put them in your hair, or stuff them with cheese and fry ’em up.
8. Sweet pea blossoms. She’ll think you picked them yourself.
7. Carrying a market basket is sexy.
6. Free samples.
5. Fresh bee pollen.
4. Peaches, oranges, strawberries and plums that actually have flavor. (See #6)
3. Spicy salad mix.
2. Full Circle bread
1. Supporting local farmers is sexy

SCHEDULE
– Santa Rosa Farmer’s Market: Wednesdays/Saturdays, 8:30am to noon, Year ’round rain or shine.
– Santa Rosa Evening Market: Wednesdays from 5pm to 8:30pm, May 16 through Aug. 29
– Cotati Farmer’s Market: Downtown, Thursdays, 4pm to dusk, late May through August
– Petaluma Farmer’s Market: Saturdays 2pm to 5pm, late may through October
– Sebastopol Farmer’s Market: Sundays, 10am to 1:30pm, April through December
– Healdsburg Farmer’s Market: On the Square, Tuesdays, 4pm to 6:30pm, June through October and Saturdays, 9am to noon, May through November

What’s the best meal you’ve ever had? Don’t think too hard about it or try to impress me–just let whatever comes to mind pop in there. Was it at Chez Panisse or Cyrus? The French Laundry, Syrah or maybe Spago?

Or was it that awful Thanksgiving that mom burned the turkey and the whole family went out for Chinese? Maybe it was simply a crisp, cold apple fed to you by a lover; a plate of warm scones just out of the oven; the first time you ever tasted tandoori chicken; or Vietnamese noodles with barbeque pork at that little dive down the street.

It’s a fun trip down Memory Lane. Try it in the car or during an especially dull meeting at work.

I spent most of the weekend thinking about it after stumbling upon a totally tangential fact in the new book Alice Waters at Chez Panisse, a new biography by Thomas McNamee. Here’s the fact: In October 2006, the Chicago restaurant Alinea was named by Gourmet magazine as the Best Restaurant in America. (Chez Panisse got bumped to number two). Out of millions of restaurants in this country, this hyper-modern, semi-surrealist spot was, in a word, the best.

Which is really weird, because I just ate at Alinea. You may recall this as Chicago’s haute-experimental restaurant where my dining companion and I spent four hours snickering at the over-the-top-earnestness of the courses set before us. (How do you keep a straight face while serving bacon suspended on a wire? See the review.) Don’t get me wrong–it was very cool and probably the most inventive (and expensive) meal I’ve ever eaten–but really? This was ostensibly the best meal (best restaurant=best meal, right?) I might have had the pleasure of eating in the entirety of the United States?

Hmmm. Had I missed something?

So, I looked at the rest of the Gourmet list to see where else I’d eaten–what other potential “Best” meals I might have absent-mindedly snarked my way through. Of the fifty restaurants selected by Gourmet in 2006, I’ve eaten at five–that’s a respectable 10 percent. They include Alinea (1) along with Cyrus (15), Higgins (28), Zuni Café (37) and Paley’s Place (46). But here’s the thing: Not one of them was the best meal of my life. They were great, fabulous, incredible, lovely meals. But not even a top 10 of the best meals of my life.

Just off the top of my head, if I were to put together a mix tape of my Culinary Greatest Hits, it would start out with the lettuce ravioli that I shared with friends in Florence, Italy. Or the picnic of buffalo mozzarella, tomatoes and bread we all shared in the Boboli Gardens.

I’d also have to include, closer to home, Pho Vietnam takeout on a Friday night, cuddled with my main squeeze; the warm baked pears with butter, cinnamon and fresh cream delivered to my bed on Mother’s Day morning; a plate of freshly cut Sonoma County greens and fresh goat cheese drizzled with vinegar and oil; Strauss Creamery butter on an Acme baguette; a basket of Oregon raspberries picked fresh from my ex-father-in-law’s backyard on a summer night; spinach leaf cups filled with dried shrimp, sugar cane syrup and ginger and peanut at California Thai; Dungeness crab from Swan Oyster Depot; Swedish pancakes with melted butter and Meyer lemon juice from my own lemon tree; and quite honestly-a Double Double at In-N-Out after a hard night of carousing.

And that’s pretty much just what I ate this week. Heh.

Without minimizing the artistry of chefs like Thomas Keller, Alice Waters and Grant Achatz it comes down to this: Haute spots with linen napkins, water menus and cheese carts don’t have a lock-up on Best Meal contenders. It doesn’t necessarily matter whether the bill is $5, $50 or $500, or if you’ve made the reservations three months ahead of time. For me the “Best Meal Ever” is a magical sensory imprint of time, place, flavors and people that goes well beyond what’s on the plate and which celebrity chef made it. It’s that perfect moment when your mind, your palate and your soul have all been sated.

Which is a long way of saying I’m still searching. Funny thing is, I have a feeling I’ll find it where I’m least expecting it.

What about you? Where was your Best Meal ever? Tell me.

See Gourmet’s Top 50 Restaurants 2006 list.