It’s a fork! It’s chopsticks! It’s the Chork!
In a totally horrifying food embarrassment that rivals the quesadilla maker and bacon bowl comes the Chork, a chopstick and fork hybrid that’s both and neither.
Panda Express recently announced that it will be trying out the bright red, plastic utensils that can be used as awkward looking chopsticks, “cheaters” (chopsticks that don’t require any experience to use) or a ridiculous looking fork.
Okay, so I have a thing about chopsticks. I encouraged my kids to learn how to use them as toddlers. It’s a transferable skill, you can use it on a resume, and you don’t look like a total pleeb when you go to sushi restaurants. Come on America!
Made by a Salt Lake City company called Brown Innovation Group, they’re $7.99 for 12, should you chose to buy them for yourself, despite my disdain for you.
Here’s why I hate The Chork already.
1. Learn to use chopsticks: It’s not that hard, and with about five minutes of practice, I promise you can get it. Billions of people use them without incident, daily!
2. Make a choice: If you can’t deal with chopsticks, use a fork. It’s okay.
3. It’s like those sushi rolls with all the mayonnaise and fried stuff: I’m all for American ingenuity, but dude, sometimes it’s nice to just appreciate the beauty of simplicity. Like plain old nigiri, or you know, chopsticks.
4. “Pinchers” aren’t chopsticks: The idea is to help people learn to use chopsticks by creating a sort of tweezer effect. That’s not going to help anyone learn, since it’s a totally different thing. Hello?
5. It’s so American: I love ‘merica. I do. But not every perceived problem needs a solution. Maybe the world would take us a little more seriously if we put down our forks and raised a chopstick in solidarity once in a while.
6. They’re made of polystyrene (#6 recycling) which isn’t known for its recycling ease. Polystyrene foam is banned in SF, and most curbside recycling won’t accept it. Wooden chopsticks are compostable. Just sayin’.
7. What am I supposed to do with all that time I spend rubbing my chopsticks together to get off the splinters?
Am I just being a grump, or are these as idiotic as they seem? Now, get off my lawn!!