The "Valentine" frappuccino trio at Starbucks. The baristas did a really good job with our horrid directions.

The “Valentine” frappuccino trio at Starbucks. The baristas did a really good job with our horrid directions.

Guess what? It’s time for food writers to gush about horrible things you can put in your body in the name of holiday fun, AKA Valentine Secret Menu Frappuccinos at Starbucks. Yay!

However, I’m on a diet, so as a crappy parent, I actually made my teenage daughter and her friend try these, because 13-year-old girls seem to live on these and have developed a tolerance.  I mostly laughed and stole the whipped cream off the top because my body would explode if I actually drank one. (Whipped cream is on my diet, I’m pretty sure.)

Valentine Frappuccino test subjects "L" and "E". No teens were harmed during this experiment. But they're going to kill me for putting their pictures online.

Valentine Frappuccino test subjects “L” and “E”. No teens were harmed during this experiment. But they’re going to kill me for putting their pictures online.

(Note, no children were actually harmed here. I made them run around the block 8 times afterwards and eat broccoli and tofu dinner. Which is a lie because they had In-N-Out, but I did say before I was a crappy parent.)

The Back Story: A barista in Tucson, Arizona came up with a trio of ridiculous frozen concoctions so adorable you might just forget the jiggle they’re putting on your middle. With pumps of raspberry syrup, strawberry syrup, whipped cream and chocolate chips, they say to the world, “I honestly don’t care about my body, so I’ll drown my sorrows in unnecessary sugar!”

Why They’re Newsworthy: They’re not, and I’m sorry, I just can’t write about these with a clear conscience, but I do think they’re hilariously awful and probably something you’ll want to talk about around the water cooler. And maybe even split with five of your friends. But please, don’t actually drink one of these yourself. I mean, I’m not judging, but whenever I see people sucking down a giant whipped-cream topped frappu-mocha-whatever I kind of die a little inside for the future of humanity.

How to Get ‘Em: Silly bean, these Valentine Frappuccinos aren’t actually on the menu, but you can hold up the line for hours trying to explain the ingredients at the counter. The nice baristas will probably get most of it sort-of right, because they’re nice like that, but your results may vary.

A vanilla bean raspberry Valentine frappuccino at Starbucks.

A vanilla bean raspberry Valentine frappuccino at Starbucks.

The Love Bean (aka, “You Can’t See My Belly Button Anymore”)
Ingredients: Vanilla bean frappuccino + 2 raspberry pumps + blackberry + whipped cream + chocolate curls.

A strawberries and creme frappuccino at Starbucks. They didn't have raspberry whipped creme, and they put caramel drizzle and some sort of dessicated blackberry on top.

A strawberries and creme Valentine frappuccino at Starbucks. They didn’t have raspberry whipped creme, and they put caramel drizzle and some sort of dessicated blackberry on top.

The Valentine (aka “I Wish I Had A Date Tonight”)
Ingredients: Strawberries and creme frappuccino + raspberry syrup + blackberry + whipped cream

A java chip Valentine frappuccino at Starbucks. They didn't have raspberry whipped creme, and they put caramel drizzle on top. Not sure if there was any raspberry.

A java chip Valentine frappuccino at Starbucks. They didn’t have raspberry whipped cream, and they put caramel drizzle on top. Not sure if there was any raspberry.

Java Berry Frappuccino (aka: “There’s Nothing Natural Here”)
Ingredients: Java chip frappuccino + raspberry infused whipped cream

The results of the taste test: Come on they’re teenagers. They don’t actually talk to me. But they seemed to drink the strawberry and java chip the fastest. I’m sure they’ve typed something to their friends about it on SnapChat.